SIX SIGNS OF IRISHNESS

 
MR NORMAN TEBBIT, MP, suggests you are not really English if you don't cheer
for their cricket team.

In the same vein the Irish Times recently invited  readers to choose six
criteria for Irishness , this was the result :
 
 
If Irish you would claim to be,
Then it would help to be RC,
Attend Croke Park for events spectacular,
Chanting the anthem in the vernacular !
The `in' political hue is green,
Regardless of which way you lean,
Divorce may have a strong appeal,
Though when you vote it must be nil,
Distance yourself from the Provo position,
(Except of course on extradition!),
And if to a soccer cap you aspire,
A British passport is de rigueur!
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
1. Emigrate to Australia or Liverpool
2. Fall into a few potholes
3. Go to the races
4. Sing ballads
5. Love Zig and Zag
6. Watch Glenroe
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
You are not really Irish if :
--You don't confess your extramarital affairs to Gay Byrne.
--You don't know what time the pubs close.
--You don't know whose left foot you are talking about.
--You think Sinead O' Connor is a traditional harpist.
--You think Hot House Flowers won the Grand National.
--You are moving to Japan for the duration of the world cup.
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
1. An innate ability to talk about the weather.
2. An innate ability to speak the Irish language.
3. A slight suspicion of things British.
4. A slighter suspicion that sex is still a sin.
5. A natural capacity for arriving late.
6. An unnatural capacity for drink - especially the late one.
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
1. An inside knowledge of the local public house.
2. A Nod and a winking acquaintance with Finna Fail.
3. A magnetic attraction to double yellow lines
4. A veneration of the National Oracle. (Gay Byrne)
5. Standing at the back membership of the Roman Catholic Church
6. A balanced view of the position of women in society ( under men ).
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
1. Punctuality.
2. Attention to detail.
3. Leaving public houses before closing time.
4. Respect for speed limits.
5. Early marriage. (for men)
6. Truthfulness.
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
1. An in-depth scientific knowledge of the weather as in : "Grand day 
   isn't it ?"
2. A joy in the success of others as in "I bet that's his Daddy's car"
3. A love of tourists as in "I see the Dagos are back".
4. Mannerly driving as in "If you honk that horn one more time I'll ....!"
5. An appreciation of good food as in: "Have you any brown sauce or ketchup?"
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
1. One must listen to the Gay Byrne show at least twice a week.
2. One must be on the waiting list to be a member of the Late Late Show
audience for a minimum of six months.
3. One must have written at least one song commemorating Ireland's
qualification to the World Cup. (Getting to sing this song on the Gay Byrne
radio show is an advantage but not a necessity)
4. One must totally dispise the condescending nature of the House Wife of the
Year competition, but watch it every year anyway.
5. One must consider the Sunday World newspaper as a total insult to one's
intelligence but buy it very week, stating the Gay Byrne column as a valid
excuse. (Priests may also claim Fr. Brian Darcy if  they wish).
6. One must be of the manner that if they ever meet Gay Byrne they would never
mention any of the above but shyly say hello and go red.
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
Bacon and cabbage on the plate,
A tendency to be always late,
On the parlour wall in pride of place -
The Pope and Kennedy face to face,
To Croker for the Sunday Game,
"Soft day, Thank God" in the pouring rain.
But the Irishness we're known for best -
The dozen bambinos in the nest !
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
1. Pride
2. Covetousness
3. Lust
4. Anger
5. Gluttony
6. Envy
7. Sloth
8. Only fair at the counting
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
1. Reluctance to give a straight answer.
2. Good intentions
3. Slight tendency to exaggerate
4. Strong desire to avoid marriage before 40 (men only)
5. Conviction that speed limits are for other drivers
6. Firm belief that farmers pay no tax
 
* * * * * * * * *
 
YOU are not really Irish unless :
--You know that Kevin Barry was Hanged - not shot.
--You can sing "Amhran na bhFiann" without understanding a word of it.
--You have several relations in America.
--You vote for the same party your parents (and grandparents, depending on
age), voted for.
--You are either a sot or a teetotaller.
--You are content to export radioactive waste and abortion to England while
decrying her provision of both services.